Saying Things Once

A couple months ago, I realized I was repeating my requests to my baby at least two times and often three. I know repetition is important for learning, but I was repeating things I knew he understood just because he wasn't doing them right away. (Like, "Go get your sippy cup." I figured he was going to start expecting everything repeated, so I started trying to only say things TWICE. This allowed me to be more patient and wait longer after my first request to see if he was going to complete it, then if not, I'd repeat it again. I tell you, it makes me feel more sane.

("Sit down in the chair!" is a popular request around here. Or at the beach, which is where the photo above was taken, hence the wicker, wood paneling, and cooler.)

I think that if I weren't a teacher, I might not be aware of this. Any teacher will tell you how maddening it is to give a couple directions, then say, "OK, any questions? Great, go ahead and begin!" and then have three kids say, "Wait, what do we do?" Of course, you have to check that you yourself have made directions clear, but if you know you have, then what you have is a case of "I've learned I don't have to listen carefully, because I know you'll do the work for me by repeating it for me personally later."

I noticed this a lot when I came back from my maternity leave. I very quickly taught them I was not going to repeat myself. I often had to explicitly say, "I am not going to repeat myself. I am only saying this once, so listen up." I would see them perk up and focus, which told me that indeed, they hadn't been focused before. (Hey, I understand- sometimes I'd a really bad listener.) After I had their attention, I'd give the directions, keeping it as simple and clear as possible, then ask if there were any questions, then answer the questions, and tell the kids to begin... and there would often be a kid who'd then come up to me and ask what to do. I used my judgment on whether or not the kid needed it repeated. If it was a student who I knew was confused, I'd re-explain. If it was a kid who I knew was just insecure that he or she was doing things right, I'd say, "No, you know what to do." Or I'd say, "Go ask someone at your table," because that way they'd know it was OK to ask for help, but that I wasn't going to re-explain, because I'd just said I wasn't going to re-explain. (You might think I was sending conflicting messages by only repeating it for certain kids, but the students understand that learners are different, and I explain from the very beginning of the year that we all have strengths and weaknesses as learners.)

Anyway, what I'm saying is, it's important to keep track of how you talk to kids. You want to be clear, but you also don't want to be a sucker and do all the work for them.

I also think it's kind of a life lesson: "Oh, you are confused? Well, you better figure it out yourself, whether that means trying to do it to the best of what you remember of the directions, or to ask for help wherever you can." But not from the person who just said, "Do not ask me."

If it looks like the students it stressed or upset, I'll help them- I'm not mean.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, if my kid doesn't do what I want him to do after the second request, I'll say it a different way, then just do it myself, or do it with him- whatever makes the most sense for the situation. Click here to read full entry.

Montessori Blog

I just discovered a great blog: MariaMontessori.com.

I have been interested in Montessori ever since my friend Laura sent me the Michael Olaf Montessori materials catalogue, which you can easily view online (I'll post link later-Q sleeping on me right now- see photo).

So much of the Montessori ideas make sense: a floor bed, a low shelf for toys, teaching life skills, letting kids choose what to learn, etc. The blog I just found via Mighty Marce is a quick way to learn about some Montessori ideas.

Try as I might to incorporate Montessori ideas into my public school classroom, it's really hard without spending a ton of time thinking about how. Actually, it's pretty Montessori of me to let my students choose their writing topics, and choose their own books, but... much of what I do is NOT Montessori. It's going to take time to research, and I just do not have tons of time for that while working and having a toddler.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Click here to read full entry.

Pop Goes the Weasel Gets Philosophical

I just noticed these lyrics to "Pop Goes the Weasel:"

You may try to sew and sew
And never make anything regal
So roll it up and let it go
Pop -- goes the weasel!

I love it. It's another way of saying, "Take it easy on yourself!" which is one of my life philosophies.

Lest ye think I am a total slacker, there are areas in which I'm highly driven: mainly my writing, which is why, after I took a summer writing course, my husband (then-boyfriend) said, "Do you promise never to take another class again?" because I was so obsessive about my researching, writing, and revising. I'd stay up til 1am, completely immersed in it, then get up at 6am to ger ready to drive to Fairfield. I loved every second of that physically and emotionally tiring class.

Teaching, I work hard at, but it's an art in which going for perfection is a BAD idea since it involves the precious little souls of kids. For that, I say, Set extremely high standards, give them tons of attention and feedback, then roll it up and let it go. Same for parenting: Give it your all, then roll it up and let it go. You cannot control another person. You can just give them your best.

Caption: my friends sewing and knitting while I organize my iPhoto on our Woodstock Crafting Weekend, Winter 2007. Did I care that I can't craft? Nope, I rolled it up and let it go and did not compare myself to other (craftier) people. Note: my hair is NOT this long any more.



I absolutely adore music- always have. I used to sing in a 100+ person chorus until voice problems forced me to stop (and to take a year off of teaching, but that's another story). The people in this chorus were so good that I was pretty much the worst person even though I'm decent. Anyway, I'm happy the kid is at an age where I can tell he enjoys music, so I've created a "Q mix" for him on the iPod with all of the good songs from the CDs I downloaded from my sister a couple of years ago- the sister with three kids- so I have loads of great music to play for him- and me-, including several version of "Pop Goes the Weasel."

You can try to sew and sew...

Take it easy on yourself. That's the advice I gave today to a colleague who's returning from her maternity leave and is going to pump at work... set the standard you want for youself, and then take it easy on yourself. Hard-working people often don't enjoy themselves like they should, because while it's great to set high standards, you also have to enjoy life, and sometimes that means doing a little less amazing job than you'd like. Now that I have limited time for my writing, I've had to force myself to set lower standards. It's hard, but I'd never publish a darn thing unless I gave myself permission to just do a good enough job. Click here to read full entry.

Judgment in the Mothering World: Good or Bad?

I think it's human nature to judge others, but I think it's beneficial to take a step back and not judge others harshly. I've noticed that as a new mom, it's easy to feel judged, and it is really, really tempting to judge others. I'm not sure that helps any of us, though.

One thing I've noticed is that moms tend to gravitate towards moms who parent similarly, because then you don't feel like your parenting choices (formula vs. breastfeeding, sleep training vs. cosleeping, etc.) will be judged. I'm a middle of the road mom. Although I lean heavily toward attachment parenting, the husband is soooooo not on board, and that's ok. We have found a good balance at this point (I think). I'm quite happy with my occasional cosleeping, constant babywearing, non-cloth diapering, breastfeeding lifestyle.

Anyway, my point is that I try not to judge other moms. Everyone's lives are so different. While I do not think sleep training would have worked for me, I have friends who do it, and for them, I think it was the right choice. They are working moms of several kids, and they simply could not have dealt with all of the night waking that I did (and still do). There's no one way to do things.

I also hope people don't judge my choices. I couldn't stand to hear my baby fuss for a second, and that's just the way I am. I don't think it means I'm a pansy whose kid walks all over her. I think we all have different personalities, different babies, different demands in our life, and we do our child-rearing accordingly. My next baby will probably fuss a little more as I teach her ('cause I know it's gonna be a girl, I already have her nursery colors picked out) to soothe herself. This first baby of mine sucks at that, and I pay the price every night as he wakes 4-5 times. Now, my sleep training friends look pretty smart. I don't regret how I did things though, because I followed my instincts and did what felt right. No sleep training book was going to persuade me otherwise. (Before you offer me sleep advice, I'm not asking for advice. We're good. I have it under control.)

Know where my judginess comes out? In my rss reader, which, for you computer neophytes, is a google service I have set up to send me headlines from all the blogs I like. I separate my blogs into categories: friends' blogs, mindless inanity, mom blogs, and crunchy moms. See? Even I feel the need to define mothers as just regular mothers or crunchy mothers. There are "molds" out there, and we look at those molds to see where a mom fits. Is she a cosleeping cloth-diaperer who quit her job to stay home with her baby? Is she a busy working mom whose baby is not the sole focus of her life? Those are the two molds I feel like I see in my area in CT. I think I am a little of both of those. And actually, so are my friends who sleep trained. They are very crunchy in some ways, and they are wonderful mothers. The problem with putting people in a mold is that they often don't fit. I think we miss out on friendships if we let our tendency to judge separate us.

Wait- I think there is one more mold in my area- the SAHM who can afford a nanny, private yoga instruction, tennis lessons, and salon visits. I don't see those moms much, because that's not the circle I run in, but I certainly don't begrudge those moms that lifestyle. Frankly, it sounds like my ideal life, although I'd do horsebackriding instead of yoga. And I'd probably take my kids along if they were good. We'd ride together. Also, they'd come with me to yoga, and the nanny would take care of them while I did yoga, or the kid could do yoga, too, if they were good. I think homeschooling is cool though, so maybe I'd do that as well. Or have my own school. Or send my kids to Montessori. Whatever. Anyway. Do you see how open-minded I am, that I could accept that lifestyle? Yup. No judgment here on that great backhand!

I guess my question to readers is, Do you judge other moms, and do you think it's a bad thing? Is judgment helpful or hurtful to you and the other moms in your life?

I'd bet that many people feel wrongly judged. I hear of moms who get criticized for cosleeping or breastfeeding past a year. What else do you get judged for?

One of my favorite bloggers, Annie at Phd in Parenting, has a post up that actually comes out in favor of judging others. While I agree with her premise- that parenting styles should be up for debate- I just don't see how I'd be able to keep my friends if I thought it was my business to judge their parenting. I feel like, as long as our different styles don't conflict with out ability to hang out, it's OK to be friends with people who do things differently. (I hope I have not wrongly summarized Annie's point- go read it, it's really nuanced and awesomely opinionated). Click here to read full entry.

I Want to be a Natural Parent...

But I don't think I am! Shoot! I like to be able to join ALL clubs! I'm serious. I am a joiner.

I'm trying to decide if I qualify to join the Carnival of Natural Parenting, a monthly series of posts on a chosen theme. I really want to participate by writing my own post on the theme of Parenting Resolutions, but I fear I will be rejected because I don't cloth diaper or spend a lot of time in nature.

Well, let's see if I am a natural parent. Maybe I am. This is from Dionna at Code Name Mama's site- she and Lauren at Hobo Mama run the monthly carnival.

What is Natural Parenting?

“Natural parenting” is based on a desire to live and parent responsively and consciously. While no two families who practice natural parenting may define it the same way, there are several principles that are widely agreed to be part of this lifestyle. These are ideals that natural parents tend to hold — even if we don’t always live up to all of them, we keep them in mind as goals.

1) Attachment/Responsive Parenting: Attachment parents prepare for pregnancy, birth, and parenting; practice exclusive and full-term breastfeeding if possible, and feed with love and respect regardless of whether it is at the breast, with a bottle, or beyond; respond with sensitivity; use nurturing touch (including babywearing and skin-to-skin contact); ensure safe sleep, physically and emotionally (including bed sharing and co-sleeping, responsive nighttime parenting, and no “crying it out”); provide consistent and loving care; practice positive discipline (with no physical punishment); and strive for balance in personal and family life.

CHECK! I do all of this.

2) Ecological Responsibility and Love of Nature: Families strive to reduce their ecological footprint by living consciously and making Earth-friendly choices, such as by choosing organic when possible, using cloth diapers or practicing elimination communication, supporting local economies, and so forth. Parents may choose to find toys and clothing made of natural fibers and materials. Families spend quality time outside enjoying the natural world.

I do try to go organic and shop locally. Check. But I don't mess around with cloth diapers. The husband forbid it. If I had a husband who was into that, I'd totally do it. BECAUSE I AM A JOINER. And cloth diapers are cute.

However, I also drive a gas guzzler and do not recycle. Thus, I fail at #2, and should probably work on the recycling to set a better example for my baby. Also, my husband and I rarely spend time outdoors. We are always on our laptops- me blogging, him writing computer programs. We probably need more balance with this.

3) Holistic Health Practices: Parents research medical choices and make educated decisions regarding all health care (vaccinations, medical interventions, medications, etc.). Many families choose to use alternative or natural healthcare such as herbal remedies, chiropractic care, natural childbirth, and so on.

I do this. Baby is going to daycare at ten months, so needs all his vax, but I researched, and we staggered the vax. I don't see homeopaths or anything, but I don't scoff at them. My BFF is a holistic doctor in Portland OR, and I do whatever she tells me (use NoseFrida, try acupuncture) so I think you can see I am hooked up into holistic health.

4) Natural Learning: Families spend time together, and children learn through everyday activities. Parents try to facilitate learning without “teaching,” to help children ask questions that develop thinking, to develop consideration for others without shaming or training, to give choices while guiding the children, to listen to instinctual cues, to honor emotions and desires, to allow development to take place in its own time, and to engender cooperation and harmony without manipulation. This might include the decision to pursue uncommon methods of education, such as alternative classrooms, home schooling, or unschooling.

I certainly do all the stuff in the first part of that paragraph. And I'd love to homeschool my little pookie poo, but there's the small problem that I am a public school teacher. We can't really afford to live in this area if I quit my job to homeschool my kids. This makes me think that to be a hard core "Natural Parent," I have to move somewhere cheaper. I married a guy from Long Island who is afraid of trees and open space, and we want to stay near his parents, so I'm pretty much in the NY-CT-NJ area for a while.

I do think I'm into Natural Learning though. I try to run my classroom in a very open-minded way, letting them choose their books, encouraging kindness, and not expecting all kids to learn the same way. I think that's kinda natural. I try to run my class like a little family- calm, busy, respectful, work hard on fun things that we enjoy- that's reading and writing, two things I love, and I model that for my students by showing them that I read and write in my daily life.

Incidentally, my sister is homeschooling this year, which I think is so cool.

Above all, natural parenting is making the choice to develop a deep bond with your children and family based on mutual respect. An attached child grows into a mature and interdependent individual who understands how to develop healthy, secure relationships with others.

Well I do that. So am I a natural parent? I think so. Who are these unnatural parents though- the ones that sleep train, spank, shame, and pack the kids off with a nanny? I'm not that, for sure. I'm not sure I completely fit the natural parent mold, but it's certainly one I admire and count among the best styles.

I think I am gonna try and join this carnival! I really want to post about my parenting resolutions, and I'll use my failures with #2 to start off.

Oh, is the husband gonna have some opinions about this.

I'm still not sure I'm a natural parent. I don't ACTIVELY strive for these values- the ones I do are the ones that match my personality, and the ones I don't do are things I don't feel passionate about, like nature or recycling. Hm.

OK, I know I need to recycle, but I have to like, call and order my town's special recycling bin, which involves looking up a number, and last I heard there was a wait list. OK. Fine. I'll get the bin. It's actually not a bin. It is a HUGE, rolling trash can almost as tall as me. And truly, we don't even have room for the bin in our driveway, so I have no idea where I'd put it. Sigh. Honestly, 4 adults could fit in that recycling can. It won't fit in our garage, and the (enormous, rolling, town-issued) trash can takes up the only space in our driveway, and even then, I always almost hit it pulling out of the garage. Can you sort of see why I don't recycle? Click here to read full entry.

Am I a Helicopter Parent? (Or, In Praise of Hand Sanitizer)

One of my favorite bloggers, Annie at Phd in Parenting (excellent content, informational and opinionated), has a definition of a type of parent in a post about her recent vacation:

Helicopter parents: These parents hover over their children and their every experience on vacation. They are always armed with hand sanitizer, life jackets and sun block, even while holding their child’s hand in the just-been-cleaned ankle-deep shaded part of the baby pool. Some keep their kids securely on a harness, in a stroller, or in a high chair at all times. They take the burgers from the buffet and bring them to the grill for extra grilling. They bring bottled water, juice boxes and bed sheets from home because the ones at the resort are not good enough.

I am FAR too lazy to bring my own sheets and food, but everything else sounds about right. Hand sanitizer, safety equipment, being careful that Q doesn't get hurt, keeping him in a high chair or stroller if I don't trust that the environment is clean or baby-proof... but is that bad? I think I am just safety conscious. I believe it's my duty to keep him safe. Why SHOULD I trust anyone or anything else to keep him safe? I don't. And sunburns are BAD.

I think it's important, of course, to not go too far. I think helicoptering is bad if it prevents the parent or kid from enjoying life. A kid needs to be able to explore, which might include some bumps and face plants. Right now, for example, I'm ignoring the Q as I blog while he explores our (mostly) babyproofed room. And my goal, after he's asleep, is to go to the gym. Yes, I do trust his Dad to care for him, and I do think he needs to learn to be away from me. Maybe I'm not a total helicopterer?

Only the end part of Annie's definition- the bringing of sheets and food- sounds excessive to me- and maybe the constant hand sanitizing- UNLESS you're talking about the pen at the prescription counter at CVS. You think I'm going to touch THE ONE PEN THAT EVERY SICK PERSON IN TOWN HAS TOUCHED? SERIOUSLY? A few days ago, I told the cashier, "Can you forge my signature, because I am NOT touching that pen." And then the guy in line behind me touched the "accept" button for me when he saw me trying to find something to press the keypad with so I didn't have to use my hands. Sorry. I'm a TEACHER. I KNOW that surfaces get disgustingly dirty, and I'm not going to be the one to catch the cold or flu. (I didn't have hand sanitizer with me, so I didn't want to touch anything, because those are the same hands that have to put the baby in his carseat, which inevitably involves touching his hands, which always go in his mouth. That's not crazy, OK, that's just SMART.)

Now, here's another definition of helicopter parenting, from Wikipedia:

Helicopter parents are so named because, like helicopters, they hover closely overhead, rarely out of reach, whether their children need them or not. In Scandinavia, this phenomenon is known as curling parenthood and describes parents who attempt to sweep all obstacles out of the paths of their children. It is also called "overparenting". Parents try to resolve their child's problems, and try to stop them coming to harm by keeping them out of dangerous situations

So, if helicoptering means you never let your kid experience failure, I don't want to do that. They need to stumble a little before they can walk... you get the metaphor. They'll need to bicker with friends, cry a little when you leave them to go to work, not always get what they want. I think as a parent it's hard to see what looks like your kid suffering, but they have to do that to learn sometimes. The only thing I'm completely against, at least for this baby of mine, is letting him cry at bedtime. I don't think that will teach him to sleep. It's hard though. He wakes up so much at night. I am reading books about it and trying to figure out what to do...

But in the meantime, I'll be sanitizing my hands at the CVS, and I will NOT be using the same pen to sign in at the pediatrician's office that EVERY OTHER PARENT OF A SICK KID HAS USED. No, I carry my own pen, or I just don't sign in. Click here to read full entry.

Dumb Daddies, Trendy "Bad" Parents, My Obsessiveness, I'll Shoot You Dead

I enjoyed this guest post on Lisa Belkin's New YorkTimes blog Motherlode, which is a must read for parents who want to keep up on the latest buzz and controversies in the (urban/suburban) parenting world. "Neanderdad" seems to portray a clueless daddy whose 3 year old can care for the new baby better than him. Or, as readers posted in the comments, is it more a commentary on moms who "overparent"- whatever the hell that means. I'm defensive about that because if there is such a thing as overparenting, I do it. "Can you monitor his poop while I make my oatmeal?" I've been known to ask my husband. But that just makes sense. Either he does a huge, loud, dramatic poop, or he doesn't, but I want to know so I can stop waiting for the poop explosion (because it happens every morning) and get on with my day. (Of course, my husband refuses, and sputters, "No, I will not monitor his poop! Get out of here!" Oh, we have some laughs in this household. And some tears.)

The latest buzz is about being a "bad parent" being trendy- like, saying your kids don't rule you, and not letting your baby take over your life. All I know is, this baby is my angel, and I'd shoot any of you people dead if it came down to a choice between you and my baby. You know, like if a crazy killer made me choose. That's the kind of things new moms lie in bed thinking about, by the way. I would not shoot your children, but I'd shoot you. Like, easily. Like, it's a good thing this is a gun-free household, because I'd do anything for this baby.

But I understand the idea of not being a slave to your kid- I just wouldn't want anyone to think I'm a "slave" if like, I always want to give him what he needs. My husband advocated "balance" on this issue, and I said, "Have you ever known me to be a balanced person in anything? Remember when I took that writing class in the summer, and afterwards, you asked me to never take a class again?" I totally ignored him for a month while I hunched over my laptop obsessively researching and editing- interrupted by a couple freakouts about not finishing pieces in time.

I was also completely obsessed with my nephew when he was first born, so to think I wouldn't obsess over my own kid, well, that's denying a facet of my personality. Obsessing over things is my thing. It gives me great joy to leap into a subject, sometimes to the exclusion of other things. When I started my blog, I worked on it full time. When I was into healthy eating a few years ago, I was really into that. And my baby is way cooler than a salad. I want to enjoy this time with my baby before I have to go back to work in January, so if I take it to an extreme occasionally... it's because I feel pretty strongly about him.

But, I do understand that I still need to spend time with my husband. But come on, you do have to admit, a baby's babyhood is pretty precious and quickly evolving, and an adult, well, if you miss a month of them, you don't miss that much. Like, my desire to visit my middle sister every few months- it's not exactly to see her. (No offense, A.) I can talk to her on the phone and get in great conversations and keep up with her life. I need to see her children, who grow and change so rapidly that I could sob just thinking about it. Missing so much of their childhood kills me. My sisters being far away, do I like it? No. Can I deal? Yes. My niece and nephews being far away, can I deal with it? Not really. Having my own kid now distracts me from the despair I feel at not seeing them enough, but if I think about it, that deep sadness is there. So, I try not to think about it.

What am I blabbing about? Oh yes, my obsessiveness. And, being a slave to your kid vs. being a "bad parent" who doesn't let their kid rule their life. My point is that if I seem obsessive about my baby, it's because I know how much I'm going to be missing when I go back to work in January. It might be making me a little crazy, but I don't think I've ever been a very balanced person. That's part of my charm.

You know, balance does sound pretty good. Appreciating your kid, and enjoying them, and meeting their needs while enjoying all the other parts of adult life. Maybe I'll get there when he's like, two. Right now I am really enjoying toting my precious little package around... every second of every day. Click here to read full entry.