Judgment in the Mothering World: Good or Bad?

I think it's human nature to judge others, but I think it's beneficial to take a step back and not judge others harshly. I've noticed that as a new mom, it's easy to feel judged, and it is really, really tempting to judge others. I'm not sure that helps any of us, though.

One thing I've noticed is that moms tend to gravitate towards moms who parent similarly, because then you don't feel like your parenting choices (formula vs. breastfeeding, sleep training vs. cosleeping, etc.) will be judged. I'm a middle of the road mom. Although I lean heavily toward attachment parenting, the husband is soooooo not on board, and that's ok. We have found a good balance at this point (I think). I'm quite happy with my occasional cosleeping, constant babywearing, non-cloth diapering, breastfeeding lifestyle.

Anyway, my point is that I try not to judge other moms. Everyone's lives are so different. While I do not think sleep training would have worked for me, I have friends who do it, and for them, I think it was the right choice. They are working moms of several kids, and they simply could not have dealt with all of the night waking that I did (and still do). There's no one way to do things.

I also hope people don't judge my choices. I couldn't stand to hear my baby fuss for a second, and that's just the way I am. I don't think it means I'm a pansy whose kid walks all over her. I think we all have different personalities, different babies, different demands in our life, and we do our child-rearing accordingly. My next baby will probably fuss a little more as I teach her ('cause I know it's gonna be a girl, I already have her nursery colors picked out) to soothe herself. This first baby of mine sucks at that, and I pay the price every night as he wakes 4-5 times. Now, my sleep training friends look pretty smart. I don't regret how I did things though, because I followed my instincts and did what felt right. No sleep training book was going to persuade me otherwise. (Before you offer me sleep advice, I'm not asking for advice. We're good. I have it under control.)

Know where my judginess comes out? In my rss reader, which, for you computer neophytes, is a google service I have set up to send me headlines from all the blogs I like. I separate my blogs into categories: friends' blogs, mindless inanity, mom blogs, and crunchy moms. See? Even I feel the need to define mothers as just regular mothers or crunchy mothers. There are "molds" out there, and we look at those molds to see where a mom fits. Is she a cosleeping cloth-diaperer who quit her job to stay home with her baby? Is she a busy working mom whose baby is not the sole focus of her life? Those are the two molds I feel like I see in my area in CT. I think I am a little of both of those. And actually, so are my friends who sleep trained. They are very crunchy in some ways, and they are wonderful mothers. The problem with putting people in a mold is that they often don't fit. I think we miss out on friendships if we let our tendency to judge separate us.

Wait- I think there is one more mold in my area- the SAHM who can afford a nanny, private yoga instruction, tennis lessons, and salon visits. I don't see those moms much, because that's not the circle I run in, but I certainly don't begrudge those moms that lifestyle. Frankly, it sounds like my ideal life, although I'd do horsebackriding instead of yoga. And I'd probably take my kids along if they were good. We'd ride together. Also, they'd come with me to yoga, and the nanny would take care of them while I did yoga, or the kid could do yoga, too, if they were good. I think homeschooling is cool though, so maybe I'd do that as well. Or have my own school. Or send my kids to Montessori. Whatever. Anyway. Do you see how open-minded I am, that I could accept that lifestyle? Yup. No judgment here on that great backhand!

I guess my question to readers is, Do you judge other moms, and do you think it's a bad thing? Is judgment helpful or hurtful to you and the other moms in your life?

I'd bet that many people feel wrongly judged. I hear of moms who get criticized for cosleeping or breastfeeding past a year. What else do you get judged for?

One of my favorite bloggers, Annie at Phd in Parenting, has a post up that actually comes out in favor of judging others. While I agree with her premise- that parenting styles should be up for debate- I just don't see how I'd be able to keep my friends if I thought it was my business to judge their parenting. I feel like, as long as our different styles don't conflict with out ability to hang out, it's OK to be friends with people who do things differently. (I hope I have not wrongly summarized Annie's point- go read it, it's really nuanced and awesomely opinionated). Click here to read full entry.

Let's Have an Egg Fight: SAHM vs WOHM

I know there is no such thing as SAHM vs. WOHM. But that was in the media in October (on Dr. Phil, and some lady said that if people didn't want to stay home with their kids, they shouldn't have them- “I wouldn’t outsource loving my husband, why would I outsource loving my kids?” and "“If a woman is so selfish she can’t stay at home with her kids, then maybe she just shouldn’t have them!”). I didn't really understand the whole debate, other than that each group thinks they have it harder than the other, so whatever. And, that some people think they're so great that they are qualified to judge the choices of others. Most people thought Dr. Phil was making an argument out of nothing, and I agree. Everyone makes their own life. If you're happy with your situation, you shouldn't be mad at strangers. (See this article from Dr. Phil's site.)

Husband: "Can you get that strap away from him?'
Me: "No- that's giving me at least ten free seconds."
(That exchange just happened- about the baby, obviously.)

But I was thinking, that for one of my first FC Mom vlogs (video blogs), we'd spoof that stupid debate by having an egg fight between the WOHMs and SAHMs that I know. Each team wears a certain color. Before the fight, we have a cocktail party and mingle, getting to know each other (oh, and the babies are invited too, husbands, I guess so). Then, we go into my backyard, and we fight! Or, we have an egg toss. Whichever team wins, they're the best.

Then after that we go back inside, keep drinking, and the men take care of the babies.

(If anyone wants to steal my idea, that's fine, because I'll probably never get around to making the video.)



Please also visit Annie at PhD in Parenting to read her response to the Dr. Phil show.

The image above is a Japanese postcard used in France in 1904. You can buy it for 100 bucks at vintagepostcards.com. It is an image of "Russo-Japanese War Throwing Eggs." Ya got me. Click here to read full entry.